Posted on Wed Aug 7th, 2019 @ 1:26am by Lieutenant Commander Zar
Lieutenant Commander Zar's Personal log:
It has been a very stressful four days for me, since the incident in the mess hall I have been in my quarters trying to rest. I've been seeing shadows again in my sleep, it is as if something is creeping into my dreams. I wake up in cold sweats and I find my head hurting and my body more tired than when I first arrived. It feels as if my very life force is being drained from me. Am i going crazy, am I going insane? I do not know what could be the issue but whatever it is has gotten worse each and every night. I even hear the screams of my mother and father in my dreams as well, as if they are a distance voice that I have long forgotten.
I call to the voices in my dreams but all I hear are silence, I must be going mad. I must be going out of my mind, I feel the very walls of my sanity barely holding in place. I am not resting, I am not sleeping; the only thing that keep the blackness at by is my mental training. The things my mother and father taught me, how to suspend ones emotion over a empty pool, that seemed as if it were a sheet of glass. Should one slip and fall in, they wouldn't fall into water with a splash; but they were tear through the glass that was their sanity, cut themselves to pieces never to be made hole again.
I have honestly thought of killing myself now more than ever, Captain Desai Scott has pushed me to that level. I no longer care about this uniform 'tears and ripping are being recorded' I no longer care about my rank 'sounds of metal bouncing everywhere could be heard' I care not even for me, I have nothing. I am nothing and when you are nothing you will never be missed. 'the sound of a phaser being tossed onto a nearby table.' but no matter how hard I try I cannot remove the darkness, I cannot bring myself to end my own life. I am in my prison once more, I am being tortured for my decisions. I am scheduled to meet with a counselor under direct orders, via Captain Drayton. Maybe I should begin to write again, I shall write my thoughts, my feelings and my heart on these pages; and maybe once I've met with the counselor and cleared out some of the frustration. Then maybe I can finally go forth and enter the darkness. Who will miss me when I am gone? No one.
Computer end log.